Coitus Titanicus: Ubi Sub Ubi VERSION 2point0
by Robbin McGroin
Summary: Cal gets a rude suprise when he's looking for Rose below decks.


Howdy there. Just so you all know, Titanic is just one of those movies that has stuck to me, kinda like bad cafeteria food. I like to write and never get much of a chance since my father is a controlling you know what. I usually only get to use the computer when he's gone. The trick is that my dad is up in Canada right now trying to sell off some of our ferrets. Good, I can't stand the horrible little suckers anyway. He thinks we'll sell them to make fur coats out of. He doesn't believe me when I say he's got ferrets confused with mink. . . .  
  
Coitus Titanicus: Ubi Sub Ubi VERSION 2.0  
  
Chapter Nine Sub Section Four And stated in the by-laws. . . .  
  
Cal and his henchmen were after that slick character, Jack Dawson. That starving artist had stolen the heart of the ocean and he was not going to live long enough to regret his actions. It was one thing to convince his fiancée to cheat on him; it was another thing entirely to walk off with something that had monetary value. Unfortunately, the recovery of this object was something of a delicacy, having to traipse through the second and third class quarters of the majestic ocean liner. The poor always seemed to cover for one another.  
  
Upon the decent down a utilitarian staircase, Cal could have sworn that he heard music coming from somewhere. It wasn't that fiddle and washboard rural music. It had a sort of silly ring to it, not to mention that the closer he got to the source of the commotion, the more that the air around him smelled of a cow pasture that had been set on fire. . . .He didn't stop to analyze this strange occurrence, as he was so desperate to find that bloody diamond. About the only thing he was thinking about was how nice it would be to not have to even share a ship with anyone who was not of a decent background and certain socio-economic standing.  
  
Though Cal had never seen an animated cartoon before, there was a part of his brain that registered the strangeness that played out near the end of a long walkway in the second class accommodations. There were two of them, bizarre, two-dimensional creatures whose heads weren't even fully attached to their bodies. They were laughing hysterically at something, or someone. His curiosity grew and he felt that he had to near this crazy congregation, which turned out to be the two cartoons, an overweight buffoon in a funny uniform and sporting a toupee, and a billy goat named Bud.  
  
The entire thing was positively revolting. They were passing around what seemed to be a rather rank hand rolled cigarette and tossing a brass plated zippo lighter back and forth to one another.  
  
"No, no, no, no, no. . . ." The cartoon in the blue shirt snickered. "You stupid pig fucking mother fucker--I have something to say to you!"  
  
BUUUUPPPHHOOOONNNKKKK!!!!!  
  
The cartoon characters exploded into a whirlwind of laugher as they began to fart in one another's faces. In another lifetime, Cal would have thought the whole thing funny if he didn't have so much money on the line.  
  
PHHHHLLLAAAATTTTT!!!!!  
  
Bud the goat had joined in, before taking another drag off the joint and flapping his ears. "Hey man, do we have any more of those burritos? I'm starting to get the munchies---Bahhh-hh--ha--haaaa. . . "  
  
"NO! But we do have this!" One of the detached head creatures squealed back.  
  
HHHAAAAPPPHHHLLLOOOOONNNKKKK!!!!  
  
Followed, of course by more hysterical laughter. Cal was utterly consumed by the actions of these foul creatures. He watched as the self-identified Captain James T. Kirk (Captain of god know what!) sucked on the cigarette. He passed the doobie off to Terrence and held onto the lighter. "You might want to put this back on Bud," he said as he placed a brightly colored sombrero back on the goat's head.  
  
The Captain stood his ground and bent over in what seemed to be an overtly homosexual manner when the sound of the flicking zippo lighter was combined with the ripping of the rankest fart the world had ever heard. It even ripped out the seam of the fat duffer's polyester uniform pants.  
  
Cal began to scream as the fireball consumed the moron and his friends entirely. The explosion rattled so hard that the structural integrity of the vessel was nearly compromised. The initial ignition combined with all of the excess methane gas in the air enough to bring a truly cataclysmic doom to the SS Titanic.  
  
Cal was running as fast has his feet could carry him from the utterly insane collection of creatures in second class. His diamond would just have to wait until Jack ran into him.  
  
It would be said that the Titanic was sunk on that fateful April evening because she had rammed into an iceberg when the real truth is that the stupidity of four men who were not even mentioned on the luxury liner's passenger registry were totally responsible for sending her to an early and watery grave. 


End file.
